Men are from Mars, Rod Stewart is from Uranus. He came down to Earth bearing gifts of big blonde hair, platform shoes, and the acoustic guitar. None of this existed before the strange alien’s arrival. He asked for nothing in return, only wishing to know whether we, as a collective human race, thought he was sexy.
Leaders of the world responded in kind, and the media enthusiastically agreed that he was a genuine sex icon. The 1970s were a dangerous time – India invades Pakistan, America sprays herbicide over South Vietnamese forests, the Khmer Rouge take over Cambodia, the mobile phone is invented. There was no knowing what kind of weapons Rod would be carrying into this tense period, and it was believed best to satisfy him when possible.
The CIA were convinced that he was a Soviet spy, sent to seduce American women, destroy the American Dream, and infiltrate the White House with his charisma and hypnotic gaze. Many women fell victim to the charm of his tight spandex pants and bare chest – to this day, scientists continue to research the effects of a sudden increase in substantial sexual pleasure within these women (now mothers who enjoy tormenting their children by playing Rod Stewart CD’s in the car). The Soviets ordered full lock down and banned his ‘Western’ music from playing on radio stations. Scotland became an outlier by becoming the first country to openly welcome the alien, beginning his enduring fondness of bagpipes.
Australia became polarised upon prime minister John Gorton’s decision to allow Rod Stewart into the country – a self-proclaimed ‘man of the people’ and downright larrikin, Gorton enjoyed and could relate to Stewart’s music and drinking habits. Many protested this decision on the grounds of racial politics, which apparently extended to the outer solar system, though a small number of cults accused the alien of abducting their former prime minister Harold Holt and performing invasive experiments on him. This event occurred three years before Rod’s arrival, however, and seems unlikely – though when asked about it by Australia’s television programme 60 Minutes, Stewart only winked and asked for another glass of brandy. Historians now believe that Stewart was only intended to distract anti-Vietnam protesters, however this came to nothing when the alien refused to visit the continent. He had heard of Australia’s notorious humidity, and was worried about what the heat would do to his hair.
Rod knows the secrets of the universe – that’s why his hair is so big. If you drive out far enough to the middle of a desert where there is no industrial noise you might be able to hear them, whispered within Maggie May. Specifically the line ‘you turned into a lover and Mother what a lover – ’
Did you hear them? Listen again, closely now …
Rival aliens Elton John and David Bowie resented the arrival of Rod Stewart. There was no need, they claimed, for another pale extra-terrestrial to creep into the Glam scene and create loud, offensive, appalling genres of music such as ‘disco’. Somewhere in the depths of America you could hear the cries of youth protesting that they had created disco, but these were acutely ignored as European bands and Rod Stewart kindled their new empire.
Avid follower and early lover Caroline Jones was interviewed in 2002 regarding her time with Rod.
“He wanted me to come home with him, to Uranus. I was too scared to go but he was kind to me, bought me roses and flared leopard print pants. We lived together for a while on my houseboat and he told me that, no matter how many women he would meet on Earth, I will always be the one he loved most. I believed him. I still believe him.”
Jones claims that she is the inspiration behind Sailing and Hot Legs. Rod Stewart went on to father eight children with five human mothers.
Information regarding the celestial being’s past is limited. He assumed a human persona and remained secure in his present Earth state. Countless talk-show hosts attempted to pry details from him but Rod coyly distracted them with his charm; flirting with hosts, audience members, television crews, continuously playing with his hair, subtly drawing attention to different parts of his hot bod, and interrupting to ask if there was any more Scotch. When asked where exactly he had come from, Rod smiled gaily and replied, “from your arse, lovey.” It was generally accepted that he meant Uranus, though conspiracy theorists claimed that he had flown in from a different galaxy with the intention of conquering Earth. Rod winked whenever asked about these theories, and said nothing.
In the early 1980s there was global discussion concerning whether or not to deport Rod Stewart from Earth. His music was slowly becoming irrelevant with pop newcomers such as Wham! and Madonna stealing the spotlight and airwaves. Elton faced similar criticism as his music began to flop, whilst Bowie adapted to his new environment and nurtured his film career.
The alien was eventually allowed to stay, becoming the official responsibility of Great Britain due to his excessive tartan-wearing and enthusiasm for football. Despite this he disappeared for five years, releasing new music via satellite. He had become bored of the 1980s and was perplexed by how quickly human pop culture trends move on. Ex-lover Caroline Jones suggests that the true reason for Rod’s departure was due to the decreased popularity of platform shoes. It is no coincidence then that the shoes experienced a resurgence upon his return in the early 90s.
Though his human form begins to wrinkle with age, nobody believes that Rod Stewart will die on Earth. Like his contemporary, Bowie, he will depart this world and venture to the next galaxy. Evidence of his immortality (or, at least, his extended length of mortality) lies within his unchanged hair. Since his arrival in 1970 the iconic hair remains the same – big, blonde, and defying gravity. The hair represents Rod Stewarts eternity, and is why hundreds of years from now, people on Earth will still be able to hear the synth riff of Do Ya Think I’m Sexy whispered through the trees.