Soft and Pink

a friend once told me that i don’t need to be in a relationship with someone to love them as deeply as i do

and i guess he’s right, though i crave constant confirmation that people love me to the point of obsession, to the point of severe anxiety

texting do you hate me are we still friends i just love you so so much when i should be asleep allowing my heartrate to slow

sylvia plath once wrote i like people too much or not at all

i experience all emotions in extreme and nobody has ever told me that it was okay until now

 

one night in july i see red flashing past the train window and i think of you

the bitterness has faded over time and i am learning to become human again

to be gentle, to look at you and love you with only an admiring warmth

you should know that i’m okay now. not wholly okay but these things take time

i left myself underneath a hotel bed on the other side of the state and it has taken her all this time to find her way back – in fragments, one piece at a time

 

in my dreams i am swimming in an endless pool with you behind me, caught in a rip, the salt seeping into your dry skin and weighing you down while my two light feet propel me further and further away from you

exfoliate like a skinless grapefruit, soft and pink

exhale all the breath in my lungs and sink to the bottom with your silhouette floating above

consumed by water i breathe with ease

a child of the ocean could never drown

 

in the summertime i will see red and it will be fields of strawberries somewhere on the peninsula, full and sweet, and i will think of you

maybe you will be there

maybe i won’t need anybody there because all fragments of myself have made their way back

and i will be whole again

sinking my teeth into the fruit’s juicy flesh with the sun on my back

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